Imagine the situation: you come on a date, and you understand that the partner is not who you are looking for. Again. And, it seems, the desire to find a partner does not disappear, but at the same time, you start thinking, “What is the point of dating if everything ends the same way, and there is nothing good?” For such a situation, they’ve come up with a term fleabagging. Let’s find out how often it occurs and what you can do if once again the person turned out to be the wrong type.
It is a “Story of My Life”
Fleabagging is a series of dates with people who do not suit you, and a subsequent feeling of anxiety as if any date in your life should end in disaster. A word appeared after the release of the British series Fleabag, where the heroine now and then fell in love with characters who wouldn’t become her perfect match, for example, a priest who vowed celibacy. The girl does not learn from her relationships and makes constantly the same mistakes, so she suffers, not understanding the true reason. Fans of dating applications are familiar with the phenomenon: before you find a suitable partner among Ukrainian women, you will date dozens of western girls who are not that great. Well, according to the survey, half of the users think they always meet the wrong people. 69% of those who answered are women, although fleabagging is not a rare thing among men either. The problem is frequent so much that some publications call it one of the 2020 trends in relationships. If a person faces fleabagging every now and then, they run the risk of falling into a vicious circle of dates, consisting of an endless cycle of breakups and meeting people who bring nothing but stress.
Root Causes Are Infantility and Fear
The main reason why you attract wrong people is the way how you are used to getting attached. People with a safe or anxious-avoiding type of behavior are prone to fleabagging. In the first case, a person hopes for outside help, “Even if I get into trouble, there will be a strong adult who will help me.” The second case is more complicated: a date fan is afraid of becoming too attached to anyone, so they withdraw or subconsciously search for people who will not have mutual sympathy. If you see something familiar in these characteristics, then you understand that they emphasize the general dynamics of your relationships, and a negative and constantly repeating scenario is just a behavior pattern.
Work on Fleabagging Requires Efforts
If you believe that you are attracting “the wrong people” or have a bad taste, remember that you can fix the situation. Here’s what you need to do to get a better date than usual.
- Become conscious
Most people seem to go with the flow when it comes to meeting potential partners, instead of being involved in the process. You should be more independent and selective in relationships. Allow yourself to think about unsuccessful meetings, “Now I will set my boundaries” or “If the unpleasant situation repeats, I will immediately leave.” Thus, you allow yourself to choose differently. You should choose a partner, not vice versa. Remember that fleabagging is partly favored by pop culture and society: people believe that true love should be hard-won. However, it is not so if your idea isn’t a toxic partnership, of course. Dates should not bring discomfort, so everyone should be able to determine what is unacceptable for them personally.
- Accept yourself
People who are prone to fleabagging do not like themselves and, therefore, they choose the wrong partners. If you are not able to surround yourself with mental comfort, the partner will not be able to do this either. They will understand how you feel about yourself and will begin the same line of behavior. It is difficult to immediately start loving yourself, but you should give a try or turn to a psychotherapist who will help you understand the true causes of low self-esteem.
- Realize the true causes of your behavior
As a rule, anxious-avoiding personalities, who often become victims of fleabagging, faced rejection from adults in childhood. It can be one of the reasons why it is difficult for them to build relationships based on mutual sympathy. Toxic images from childhood often poison us in adult life, but we rarely realize it. For relationships to bring joy into your life, you will have to spend a lot of time and effort, but they are worth it. You should understand irrational fears as well as the reason why you choose an unsuccessful scenario repeatedly. Many people live according to pre-created scenarios that came from their parents.